Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Wheel in the Sky

I've been trying to figure out why all I want to do everyday is sleep. Is it the changing of the seasons, the fact that it's dark when I get home from work? Is it the anger my body feels for taking away its nicotine, its alcohol? Is it that I can't feel anyone's presence unless they are in the room with me? Could it be that I feel all it's based on is nothing but a clock's countdown, and that's all there is to this thing we have?

Lately, I had been considering staying in Japan, moving to Tokyo.

Today I talked to my mother. Guess it was time for the "You're almost thirty years old" talk. I'm glad she reminded me. I had almost forgotten;-}

"i've been to Hollywood, i've been to Redwood, I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold, i've been in my mind, it's such a fine line, keeps me searching for a heart of gold, and i'm gettin' old"

She doesn't understand my inherent fears of being locked into something. I don't have a job with a four O one K. I'm not preparing for my future. I'm not going to have a husband to take care of me or pull me out of financial difficulties. She says.

I had been telling people that I'm planning to get a job in Tokyo, take Japanese classes, apply for school.

I don't let people make my decisions for me, though I do take into account their sentiments urging me to come home.

And it was at this afternoon that I realized, there's nobody here telling me to stay. So a girl must wonder, what am I to do?


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