I love you, Jesus Christ.

So if you have something to say, Say it to me now.

How do I feel this good sober?

November is one of my two sober months. This month, I did really well. Though I did have some tastes of sake in Takayama, and two Coronas last Friday, I pretty much stayed alcohol and tobacco free for a month. After the first week, it didn't seem so bad at all, except of course at parties and bars. I found that without drinking, being in a bar with drinkers isn't so fun.

Which made me realize something: this world is full of non-drinkers, and they don't really like drinkers, much in the same way that drinkers don't really like non-drinkers. After remaining sober during a very very drunken party, I had to admit that I felt a little isolated from the collective drunken debauchery idea of fun, despite being amused at seeing the other side for a change. The next day, I asked my non-drinking girlfriend, who ironically has a bar, "how on earth do you not only handle being around drunken people all the time, let alone me, the epitome of a borderline alcoholic?" Her answer was "because I love you". Sweet, but it didn't satisfy my curiousity.

After I pressed on, and said, ya....but come on, after years and years and years of nights like that, you must get annoyed. Right, right? And so she admitted it, yes, she doesn't really like it so much. This, of course, does make me feel uncomfortable, as an avid drinker...but, what can you do?

Regardless of that, I often get angry at myself after a night of much drinking when I feel sick in the morning, or acted a fool in front of people I don't know well, which are usually the occasions when I feel less confident and prone to drink more. So, May and November act as a reminder that I'm strong enough to be a non-drinker if I am so inclined. Am I?

Of course, I wish I didn't have the urge in my blood, in my childhood memories of parties and good times meaning lots of alcohol. I wish I didn't know how good it feels to be free of your stifling inhibitions and shyness. Knowing how good it feels to be drunk, standing on chairs or tables, yelling or laughing or sing at the top of your lungs without any reservations, as if you were a child again, playing as loud as you'd like, in the middle of a play yard, with friends.

Je ne veux pas travailler

I spoke to two people today. The first was my father who saw I had just signed onto Skype. Shortly after, my phone rang. It was one am his time, we talked about various things, mostly updates about my siblings. The other call was from my girlfriend who had worked all day, and was really just calling me back.

I didn't leave my house today. It is a Monday. Don't worry, I didn't call in sick. It was a make-up holiday for the Saturday school. I woke up at four pm. It is three thirty in the morning now. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to eat. I only want to forget and so I smoke.

Hello was the first thing I said, and my voice was hoarse. I thought I may have been losing it. The last thing I said tonite was "of course not, goodnight". Then I cried.
I know this happens whenever I quit smoking. Like a broken heart, the sun streams in through the bars of this cage. Something inside of me can see the invisible, ghosts of the future. I'm seeing something.

It must be wonderful to be nice, but i've never known it.

The Wheel in the Sky

I've been trying to figure out why all I want to do everyday is sleep. Is it the changing of the seasons, the fact that it's dark when I get home from work? Is it the anger my body feels for taking away its nicotine, its alcohol? Is it that I can't feel anyone's presence unless they are in the room with me? Could it be that I feel all it's based on is nothing but a clock's countdown, and that's all there is to this thing we have?

Lately, I had been considering staying in Japan, moving to Tokyo.

Today I talked to my mother. Guess it was time for the "You're almost thirty years old" talk. I'm glad she reminded me. I had almost forgotten;-}

"i've been to Hollywood, i've been to Redwood, I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold, i've been in my mind, it's such a fine line, keeps me searching for a heart of gold, and i'm gettin' old"

She doesn't understand my inherent fears of being locked into something. I don't have a job with a four O one K. I'm not preparing for my future. I'm not going to have a husband to take care of me or pull me out of financial difficulties. She says.

I had been telling people that I'm planning to get a job in Tokyo, take Japanese classes, apply for school.


I don't let people make my decisions for me, though I do take into account their sentiments urging me to come home.

And it was at this afternoon that I realized, there's nobody here telling me to stay. So a girl must wonder, what am I to do?


AND SO TODAY MY THOUGHTS IN SONG----------------

How I feel today in Song Form

Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin


I may be just a stupid baby, but i think is the fuckin awesome-est musik thing ever. I respect this band in all ways.....and if you don't agree, then i'll probably think that you know nothing about rock and roll




I dont know how I can be so busy all the time, always having somewhere to be, someone to meet....yet I get so very little done. I'm confused, in alot of ways.

My favorite Japanese karaoke song at the mome

Soba ni iru ne



Anata no koto (wata)shi wa ima demo omoitsudzukete iruyo
Ikura toki nagareteyukou to I’M BY YOUR SIDE BABY itsudemo
SO. donna ni hanarete iyou to
Kokoro no naka dewa itsudemo isshoni iru kedo samishiin dayo
SO BABY PLEASE tada HURRY BACK HOME

BABY BOY atashi wa koko ni iruyo doko mo ikazu ni matteruyo
YOU KNOW DAT I LOVE YOU dakara koso shinpai shinak(u)te iindayo
Donna ni tooku ni itemo kawaranaiyo kono kokoro
Iitai koto wakaru desho?
Anata no koto matteru yo

[SoulJa]
Nna koto yori omae no hou wa genki ka? chanto meshikutteru ka?
Chikusho, yappa ieneeya
Mata kondo okuruyo ore kara no LETTER

[Thelma Aoyama]
Sugisatta toki wa modosenai keredo chikaku ni itekureta kimi ga koishii no
Dakedo anata to no kyori ga tooku naru hodo ni isogashi kumisete ita
Atashi nigeteta no
Dakedo me wo tojiru toki nemurou tosuru toki nigekirena iyo anata no koto
Omoi dashite wa hitori naitetano

Anata no koto (wata)shi wa ima demo omoitsudzukete iruyo
Ikura toki nagareteyukou to I’M BY YOUR SIDE BABY itsudemo
SO. donna ni hanarete iyou to
Kokoro no naka dewa itsudemo isshoni iru kedo samishiin dayo
SO BABY PLEASE tada HURRY BACK HOME

BABY BOY atashi wa koko ni iruyo doko mo ikazu ni matteruyo
YOU KNOW DAT I LOVE YOU dakara koso shinpai shinak(u)te iindayo
Donna ni tooku ni itemo kawaranaiyo kono kokoro
Iitai koto wakaru desho?
Anata no koto matteru yo

[SoulJa]
Bukiyouna ore tooku ni iru kimi
Tsutaetai kimochi sonomama iezuni kimi wa icchimatta
Ima ja nokosareta kimi wa ALBUM no naka

[Thelma Aoyama]
ALBUM no naka osameta omoide no
Hibi yori nanigenai hitotoki ga ima ja koishii no
('SoulJa' kimi no nukumori)
AND NOW anata kara no denwa machi tsudzukete ita
Keitai nigirishime nagara nemuri ni tsuita
('SoulJa' dakishimete yaritai)
Atashi wa doko mo ikanaiyo koko ni iru keredo
Mitsume aitai anata no sono hitomi
Ne~ wakaru desho? atashi matteruyo

BABY BOY atashi wa koko ni iruyo doko mo ikazu ni matteruyo
YOU KNOW DAT I LOVE YOU dakara koso shinpai shinak(u)te iindayo
Donna ni tooku ni itemo kawaranaiyo kono kokoro
Iitai koto wakaru desho?
Anata no koto matteru yo

[SoulJa]
Ore wa doko mo ikanaiyo koko ni iru keredo sagashi tsudzukeru anata no kao
YOUR egao ima demo sawaresou datte omoi nagara
Te wo nobaseba kimi wa

Anata no koto (wata)shi wa ima demo omoitsudzukete iruyo
Ikura toki nagareteyukou to I’M BY YOUR SIDE BABY itsudemo
SO. donna ni hanarete iyou to
Kokoro no naka dewa itsudemo isshoni iru kedo samishiin dayo
SO BABY PLEASE tada HURRY BACK HOME
Anata no koto (wata)shi wa ima demo omoitsudzukete iruyo
Ikura toki nagareteyukou to I’M BY YOUR SIDE BABY itsudemo
SO. donna ni hanarete iyou to
Kokoro no naka dewa itsudemo isshoni iru kedo samishiin dayo
SO BABY PLEASE tada HURRY BACK HOME

How I feel Today in Song

Dark Come Soon by Tegan and Sara



Dark, you can't come soon enough for me
Saved, from one more day of misery
Everything I love
Get back for me now
Everyone I love
I need you now
Don't forget a million miles for me
Safe and another day passed by me
Everything I love
Get back for me now
Everyone I love
I need you now
Come on,
I lied I lied to me too
(so what?)
Come on,
I lied I lied to me too
(so what?)
Hold out for the ones you know will love you
Hide out from the ones you know will love you
You, you too
Go to the edge and barely there
Slow
To make my move, I'm almost there
Everything I say I say to me first
Everything I do I do to me first
So what, I lied I lied to me too
(so what?)
So what, I lied I lied to me too
Hold out for the ones you know will love you
Hide out from the ones you know will love you
You, you too
Dark you can't come soon enough for me

How I feel Today in Song form

The KKK took my Baby Away by The Ramones







She went away for the holidays
Said she's going to L.A.
But she never got there
She never got there
She never got there, they say

The KKK took my baby away
They took her away
Away from me
The KKK took my baby away
They took her away
Away from me

Now I don't know
Where my baby can be
They took her from me
They took her from me
I don't know
Where my baby can be
They took her from me
They took her from me

Ring me, ring me ring me
Up the President
And find out
Where my baby went
Ring me, ring me, ring me
Up the FBI
And find out if
My baby's alive
Yeah, yeah, yeah