Friday, October 05, 2007

There's this blog I sometimes read.....

TS. IDIOT---who wrote this below: (i thought it was funny, so here it is for you).

Divine Intervention.

Setting: Decent apartment in a crappy neighborhood. From stage left enters Mary, a former nun who recently lost her faith. She takes off her habbit and robe and hits play on the answering machine.

Answering Machine: You have 20 new messages. Playing First message.

God: Hi Mary, listen, it's God. Um, could you give me a call?

Playing Second Message.

God: Hey Mary, God again. I didn't see you at church today and I was wondering what you were up to, anyways give me a call.

Playing Third message.

God: Hey Mary, yep, it's the big guy. Listen, I know you were watching a movie when you weren't at church. I was watching you. Seriously give me a call.

Playing Fourth message:

God: Sorry about that last message, that was kind of creepy wasn't it? That's not what I meant at all. Anyways I just really want to see you, please call me.

Playing Fifth message:

God: Damnit Mary, what the fuck? I don't care about you anymore. Become a Bhuddist for all I care, I don't need you to be happy. Anyways Jesus invited me to this party tonight and there's going to be like all these totally hot saints there. So whatever, I'm totally over you.

Playing Sixth message:

God: Mary, come on Mary, I love you, I will always love you unconditionally. Mary please call. Listen I work in mysterious ways, I'm sorry things havn't been working out lately and I swear I would've told you about your mothers cancer sooner if I thought it would help. Anyways please call me, please. Damnit Son I'm on the phone, Jesus Christ. Shut up I'm on the phone. Yeah, well your mother wasn't a virgin before I met her you spoiled brat. Mary I'll call you back, I think I might need to kill my son again. Just kidding, haha, remember when we used to joke mary? Anyways please call.

Playing Seventh message:

God: Okay what the fuck you bitch, you haven't even prayed to me once. Do I mean nothing to you? I'm the reason you exist you fucking whore, yeah, tell Vishnu I said that you slut. I bet you're making good use of all four of his hands as we speak. If this was 3000 years ago I would've smithed your ass so fast you wouldn't have time to get whiplash before you were nothing but a pillar of Salt. Man this spiked Holy water is good shit, I'm so drunk right now. You cunt, fuck you, you think I don't have other girls? I have thousands of worshipers just begging to believe in me. I hope you die in hell. And baby, I can arrange that shit.

Playing Eight message:

God: Baby, baby, baby, honey, sweetheart, I'm so so so sorry, I was drunk and didn't know what I was saying. Peter and Francis took me out and we got totally wasted and I kind of slipped into the old testament for awhile there. I would never ever do anything to hurt you and would never do anything like the stuff I said, I'm so sorry baby. Baby, you know how much I love you? I gave you free will, you don't have to love me. Hell, no one deserves to love me, I hate my life, nobody cares about me. You think it's easy being me? Mary I need you to believe in me, I need you baby. Please come back. Maybe we can just hang out at the altar for like a day or something? Let's take it slow. My life sucks without you, heaven isn't heaven without you in my life. Please please please call me. Please.

Playing Ninth Message:

Pope: Hey Mary, it's me, the pope. Listen, god is a total mess right now, there's plagues and tsunamis and hurricanes all over. He doesn't believe in himself anymore, the universe itself is coming apart at the seams. Mary, he's a good entity. Sure I know he used to be a little rough around the edges but that's all in the past. He's a great omnipotent deity, he loves you so much Mary and he would do anything in his power, which is a lot mind you to get you back. He's a mess right now, every time I pray to him he takes over and can't shut up about you. Give the old guy a chance Mary? Eh? For me.

Playing Tenth message:

Jesus: No I'm not going to say that. You can't make me, Dad damn you! Hi Mary, this is Jesus...Listen....I can't believe you're making me say this. Okay damnit just stop crying. Listen Mary, I died for your sins okay? That shit hurt and all your shit is forgiven because of me so how about giving my dad one more shot? There I said it, man I feel dirty now.

Playing Eleventh Message:

Richard Dawkins: Hey Mary, it's Richard Dawkins. I had a great time last night. Pick you up around the same time tonight? Later babe.

Playing Twelfth message:

God: Richard Dawkins? You're dating fucking Richard Dawkins? I saw you with him. I thought I was delusional. It's like I don't even exist to you anymore. It's like you don't believe in anything we shared. I can't believe you would do this, of all people. I wish I could kill myself. Don't expect to ever hear from me again because I'm never ever calling you.

Playing thirteenth message:

God: Richard Dawkins? what the fuck Mary?

Playing Fourteenth message:

Satan: Hello, is this Mary? Anyways you don't know me, my name is Satan. I just wanted to say thank you, and keep doing your thang girlfriend.

Playing Fifteenth Message:

God: Hey, Mary old pal, guess who this is? Not that you care. Anyways have you seen the news lately? Did you hear about the famine in Bolivia? No? How about the Hurricane in India, where hundreds died? Or maybe you heard about the Tidal wave that just hit Japan? Just throwing this out there, maybe your fault. Have a great day.

Playing Sixteenth Message.

God: Hey Mare-bear, listen, I was doing some research and stumbled upon a little interesting bit of clerical data up here in heaven. Turns out your mom had like six over due library books when she was fourteen. I'm afraid I'm going to have to send her downstairs for eternal damnation and torture. However, you know that uncle of yours that raped you when you were 7? He's neck deep in hot angel ass and Pina Coladas. Ciao!

Playing Seventeenth Message:

David: Hi Mary, this is David Sloan Wilson, I'm sorry I have some terrible news. I was hanging out with Richard Dawkins today when he was randomly hit by lightning 84 consecutive times and then a shark materialized out of thin air and bit his charred remains in half before vanishing in a puff of smoke. It was pretty nuts. Anyways, the funeral service is being held next week and I know Richard would've wanted you to come.

Playing Eighteenth Message:

God: You see what you made me do Mary? Do you see what you made me do? Do you see what I'm capable of? That's how much I love you. I NEED YOU MARY, I COMMAND YOU TO CALL ME.

Playing Nineteenth Message:

Tom: Hi Mary, this is Tom Cruise, I was wondering if you've heard about Dianeti-- *Sound of lightning striking repeatedly*

Playing Final Message:

God: Mary, I'm sorry. For someone who's omnipotent I've been a pretty big idiot lately. It's just been really hard for me since I've lost you and I needed time to grieve and get myself in a good place. I had a good talk with Moses and he made me realize a lot of the things I've been doing lately are totally out of character for me and for that I apologize. I've met this new girl and you'd really like her, her name is Madaline. Anyways just to show there's no hard feelings I got Elvis, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and a couple of my friends from Heaven to put together a concert and I wanted to know if you wanted to come? Just one last meeting between us as friends, no strings attached. Just give me a call and we'll get together and put this whole mess behind us. Thank you so much for being a part of my life. Thanks to you I'm the god I am today and I appreciate everything you've done for me. So just give me a call and I'll set up the concert and we can go our separate ways and live happily ever after, goodbye. Oh, fuck this shit. it's Armageddon time.

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