Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Where does it come from?

Me: Get out of here.
Ricky: Mom, Ronell won't play with me.
Mom: Ronell, play with your brother.
Ricky: (satisfied smirk)
Me: Oh, alright. I learned a new game today at school. Want to play?
Ricky: What is it?
Me: It's a card game. Go get the cards.
Ricky: Okay.
Me: No, the good deck.
Ricky: Here.
Me: Okay, the game is called 52 card pick up. I don't know...are you going to understand the rules?
Ricky: Yes, yes.
Me: Are you sure?
Ricky: I want to play 52 card pick up.
Me: Okkkkk. (Throws cards in a swirl)
Ricky: (confused look)
Me: Well, pick them up.
Ricky: (confused look)
Me: That's the game, Ricky. Now pick them up or else I'll tell Mom you're cheating and that's why I don't play with you.
Ricky: (cries)

End result: I get in trouble.

Me: Hey Ricky, I have a good idea.
Ricky: What?
Me: Let's put Alex in the bathtub.
Ricky: How?
Me: Well, we can pick him up on the sheet he's sleeping on, and carry him into the bathroom and put him in the tub.
Ricky: Okay.
Alex: (cries)

End result: Ricky and I get in trouble.

Ronell: Get out of here.
Ricky: Get out of here.
Rayna: Mom, Ricky and Ronell won't play with me.
Mom: You guys, play with Rayna.
Ronell: Hey Ricky, I have an idea.
Ricky: What?
Ronell: Let's play Ocean Swirl.
Rayna: I want to play Ocean Swirl.
Ronell: Okay, Ricky, pick her up and hold her upside-down.
Ricky: (does this)
Ronell: Now let's go over to the bathroom.
Ricky: Ohhhh, Ocean Swirl.....
Rayna: (upside-down) I don't want to play Ocean Swirl anymore.
Ronell: No, you'll like it.
Ricky: (holding her over the toilet)
Ronell: Now, you drop her and I'll flush, and we'll send her on an Ocean Swirl
Rayna: (cries)

End Result: Ricky and I get in trouble.

Ronell: Hey, just thought I'd warn you, Mom still gets your some of your mail and you got a letter saying you owe 843$ in back taxes.
Ricky: What are you talking about?
Ronell: Well, mom opened it since it looked official.
Ricky: Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck!
Ronell: Ya, that sucks. I gotta go.

Ricky: Ya Mom, I'm gonna go pick up that letter from the tax guys.
Mom: What are you talking about?

End result: Ricky hides my car stereo from me.

Me: That's a funny picture you posted on your myspace.
Cynthia: I don't have a myspace.
Me: Ya you do, I'm on your top 8.
Cynthia: No, I don't have a myspace.
Me: Are you serious? How weird.
Cynthia: Wait a second, how long have I had a myspace?
Me: I don't know. But now that I think about it, I guess you wouldn't post such embarrassing pictures of yourself.
Cynthia: Dad, I'm going on your computer.
Me: His computer is broken right now. But I'll show you later on mine.
Cynthia: Dad, did you hear what Ronell said? There's a myspace of me that I never created.
Dad: That's really strange, Cynthia.
Me: Hey....I bet Alex made your myspace. Those bulletins from you ARE a bit personal, probably only things he would know.
Cynthia: Bulletins like what?
Me: I don't know, personal stuff, like your pooping strategies.
Cynthia: WHATTT?!?!? Give me your computer, I want to look at it.
Cynthia: Dad, Alex made a myspace pretending to be me and posted a bunch of embarassing things about me!
Dad: What?
Cynthia: Ya, that jerk.
Dad: You know what? I'm gonna call that little son-of-a-bitch.
Dad: (dials number)
Me: Uhhhhhh, just kidding. I made that up.
Dad: What?
Cynthia: What?
Cynthia: cries

End result: I get in trouble.

Mom: Get out of here, you'll get all wet.
Me: What are you doing?
Mom: I'm cleaning Carrot's cage.
Me: Where's Carrot?
Mom: In the house, now get away from the water. I don't want you to get your clothes wet.
Me: I bet I can fit in Carrot's cage.
Mom: No, it's wet, and it's dirty.
Me: But you cleaned it!
Mom: It still has rabbit germs. Don't get inside.
Mom: (walks away)
Me: (gets inside)
Mom: (returns)
Mom: What the hell did I tell you?
Me: Look Mommy, I'm Carrot. I'm a rabbit!
Mom: You want to be a rabbit?
Me: Yes!
Mom: Okay, then you are a rabbit.
Mom: (locks cage)
Mom: (walks into house)
Me: (waits a minute or two)
Me: (Cries)

Me: I think you're driving too fast.
Mom: Well, I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Me: Me too.
Mom: (parks car)
Me: (runs into house)
Me: (runs into bathroom)
Mom: Hurry up!
Me: Ahh, what a nice lovely pee.
Mom: Hurry the fuck up!
Me: Trickling down the spout like a beautiful waterfall.
Mom: (Enters bathroom)
Mom: (Pulls down pants)
Mom: (Pees on me)

Me: (walks into the house)
Mom: You are punished for a month.
Me: What? Why?
Mom: I got your report card today in the mail.
Me: Ya, so?
Mom: You got 3 C's.
Me: Shut up, no I didn't.
Mom: Don't tell me to shut up, and yes you did!
Me: Let me see.
Mom: I already put it away.
Me: In what classes?
Mom: Math, History and PE
Me: That's impossible, my teachers told me my grades.
Mom: Well, that's what your report card said, so you're punished until you get those grades up.
Me: Mr. Salvador, can i talk to you for a moment?
Mr S. Sure.
Me: You told me that I got an B in this class but my report card showed a C.
Mr S. No, you got a B.
Me: Are you sure?
Mr. S: Yes, I'm sure.
Me: Mom, I talked to all my teachers, and I didn't get any C's.
Mom: I know, you got 2 A's and a B.
Me: Huh, how did you know?
Mom: I just told you that so you'd try harder.
Me: But, you said I was punished.
Mom: Well, I don't want you on the phone so much, so you're still punished. You ought to have straight A's anyway.

I'm going home this November. I can't wait!


  1. Wow...these were all hilarious. Did your mom really pee on you, or did you make that up? Because that's pretty gross

  2. She's really big on teaching lessons.

  3. tobes doesn't lie when it comes to pretty gross things...