Arachnophobia

The person who has been dubliously refered to as my "psychic partner", schooled me well in the Buddhist way. One of his teachings has stayed with me for a long time. I haven't killed any living creature since my murder days in college.

California does not have much of a problem with pests such as mosquitos. Yes, they exist, but they don't bombard your room at night and eat at you for hours. However, here in Japan, they do. Insects here are most disgusting, especially spiders. You see, in tropic regions, insects tend to grow much larger than they do in highly populated cities. Blame the foresty nature, I do.

However, when I first arrived in Japan, I was introduced to some extremely foul-looking wildlife. I was very timid, still in the clutches of Buddhist ideals. I used to spend my summers trapping spiders under drinking glasses. I had never experienced such nasty creatures in such numbers, so I assumed trapping them was the way to go. However, they would escape. Sometimes, even, the glasses would be tipped as is they summoned super-spider strength, like mini superheroes. It was creepy as fuck. Losing a trapped spider is one of the most unsettling sensations a person who desires sleep can feel. Because, you know, it has been written that spiders are attracted to the carbon dioxide in the exhaling of breath that one does in their sleep. Yikes.

By the way, another hideous fact about spiders is that they have an uncanny, evolutionary ability to hold their breath for very long periods. Therefore, if you bomb your house in order to rid yourself of insectual nuisances...spiders will survive unless it is done professionally. This is because they can hold their breath for up to periods of 5 hours which surpasses how long the poison lingers.
Double yikes. Nasty Spider Facts

Knowing this, and eventually becoming fed up with the countless amounts of mosquito bites I've suffered through, i decided to disregard Buddhist teachings. I grew sick of scratching my body like some kind of freakish crackhead. Since the time I heard someone mention that the inside of vacuum bags are lined with pesticides, I realized that vacuuming spiders and mosquitos was a much more efficient way of insect removal. After then, I would never have to get icky, shivery feelings each time I poured a drink into my glasses.


But! But! But! Today. Today, my house was a mess...a total disarray. I would be so incredibly embarrassed if I were to have had some sort of accident that rendered me impaired. Imagine if someone had to come inside for some reason, perhaps to help me, perhaps finding me paralyzed or something like that? Considering my staircase is ridiculously steep (yes, Janine, just like the one in the Grudge), and I've fallen down them before....What if a stranger were to have come to save me, thereby witnessing the filth in which I was living?

So of course, it was imperative that I clean. I began, and soon encountered 8 long, hairy legs. I froze. I escaped upstairs to calm myself with a cigarette on my balcony. I did not want to go back downstairs. I did not want to stare back into the eyes of that hideous creature. But I gambarimasu-ed, like an adult, for I am one of those, an adult.

The point? I'm getting there.

So I slowly descend my stairs, inspecting each area I place my foot, tippy-toe-ing around my tatami, methodically grabbing my vacuum, and quietly pointing it at the beast. I press the on button, and the spider bolts from the sudden noise. I follow, as I hover the rectangular sucking brushes over the monster.

What happened, you ask?

My god....do you really want to know?

Well, it jams. The vacuum begins to wail as if I accidently sucked up a marble or a small rug. It loses control and begins to vibrate and emit a yucky smokey spider smell. The creature is too big to be sucked into the hole.

My reaction? I freak out. I drop the vacuum and run to my hallway. I teeter from left foot to right foot...my heart quaking, adrenaline galore. My eyes look away and I try to ignore the hideous noise the vacuum begins to scream.

Eventually, I realize that I cannot escape the situation. So I turn off the vacuum's motor. The spider does not escape. In fact, I cannot see it at all. Not until I come closer do I find that the huge creature has in fact died. It looks much smaller than minutes before when I saw it scampering across the tatami.

It looked crumpled, imploded, tiny.

Guilt is not a Buddhist thing. It is very much Catholic.
Nasty Spider Facts