Realizations

While trying to remain in control of my bike as I tuck my hands into my sleeves, I curse whatever star-alignment is responsible for influencing my attitudes toward mornings. I have despised waking up since childhood. And I vividly remember the weekly disappointment of missing the earlier Saturday morning cartoons like Garfield and Friends, the Ninja Turtles, and Heathcliff. But these days, I wake up at around 7:45, literally 15 minutes before I must lock my door, and mount my bicycle for school.

So after factoring in the time it takes to regain functioning consciousness, brushing my teeth and hair, choosing adequate, matching clothing, and gathering my phone, iPod, keys, and jacket....well, I'm almost always late.

So being the end of the week, I found that I've worn each of my "work" pants. You know, every one of the 5 pairs of bottoms I own that are NOT jeans. In a panic, I decided to go through my wardrobe and seek out one of my "emergency" outfits.

This is when I rediscovered my favorite pair of black slacks that I loved when I first arrived in Japan. I had bought them at this cheap ass store in North Hollywood, and became obsessed with them once becoming acquainted with the hot, Japan summer. They are thin, cotton dress pants that give the impression of being a professional, while feeling like you're chilling in sweats. In one word, I'd say they are awesome.

But, DO know that they were purchased from a store called Fashion for Less, and the reason I had stopped wearing them was because of a hole that formed near the my front zipper. But try reminding a girl like me of this fact, while she's stumbling around her room in a sleepy frenzy!

And now we return to the beginning of my post. I'm crossing the street a block from my school, while shielding my hands from the cold when I look down and see my undies showing.

Fuck. Oh ya, these pants have a hole. Oh, ya, I'm wearing a short shirt that does not cover this hole. Hey, you dummy, your hole is still showing.

Do something.

But I'm late. What can I do?

So I decide to use one hand to steer, and one to attempt a nonchalant appearance of holding my hand down by my crotch. I do this the rest of the way to school, while simultaneously avoiding all eye contact. And again, I silently curse at whatever it is about me that makes me hate mornings so much as to not wake myself up with enough time to make the clever wardrobe decisions that everyone else seems completely competent in making.

Once arriving at school, I head to the bathroom where I find that I can manuever my shirt and jacket to cover this embarrassing fashion choice. I then realize that I will be having two, 65 minute timespans where 40 students will be staring directly at me. Okay, this is going to require some serious slight of hands, and much attention on my part.

I believe that I succeeded in covering the hole throughout the day, though i have no concrete proof. But the whole episode led me to wonder why i would even allow this to even happen. I probed my brain's theories slash subconscious on why I encounter problems like this.
Just don't believe its normal.

This is when I realized that I oftentimes "accidentally" make situations potentially embarrassing for myself. It's almost like my subconscious craves unnecessary hurdles to overcome. As if I want additional challenges in my life, perhaps even desiring hardship, ludicrousy, and stress. It was then that I likened myself to Woody Allen. I am almost convinced that I semi-purposely enjoy creating situations where I feel uneasy and worried. Could it be true?